finally mine

and just a kiss away

(no subject)
elliot frick
bellehiver
holeh crap its lj whaaat.

So, not news to anyone who actually speaks to me or pays attention to my fb, but I had a heart attack last August/September related directly to complications with diabetes. Basically my sugar levels were in the 200-300 range for liiiiike, uh, 10 years straight. This is what I get for assuming feeling the best I have ever felt in my life was a good thing.

So, yeah, that happened. Had an emergency angiogram, now have a stent in place and part of the lower section of my heart is damaged, but life goes on. Medicated, but it goes. Since that incident, though, I feel like it was the first Jenga block to topple over and now I'm just sitting in a pile of the ruins that were my teens and 20's. I've taken that last final step into grownup-land, and it sucks because its all just downhill from here.

I mean, it probably seems completely normal to a lot of other people, but for me, actually giving a shit about my body and how healthy it happens to be was this huge sign that I'm no longer young or carefree and I can't just fuck around and do whatever I want anymore. I'd already done the other big life things that walk you up the steps to grownupland, and this was really the last one, unless I do something stupid and decide to buy a house and get a mortgage. Well, I guess there's also having kids, but Katy is in no way ready or willing to even talk about that, so there's a good chance I'll never have them. But that's fine, honestly, lots of people grow old and never have kids, its not the end of humanity.

Anyway. It seems that the heart attack gave the rest of my body permission to start fucking up all over the place. Well, its possible some of these problems were already started and I just didn't know it because I never went to doctors. But some things I can for-sure say happened because and/or at least started after the heart attack, such as my brand new acid reflux giving me mild chest pain almost all the time, or my worsening depression (my cardiologist says he researched the fact that depression and heart attacks are like bff's and depression will worsen either right before or right after heart attacks, which just sucks), my snoring has gotten worse (as reported by Katy), and my heart meds make the circulation in my arms just fucking STOP all the time, leaving me with surprise dead arms. YAY.

What I've also been dealing with in the months since my heart attack, medically: ring worm spattered all over my damn torso, a massive infection on my ladyparts for 2+ weeks that was followed by my period and the most painful rash ever from wearing a pad for the entire length of those two things, dealing with the fun associated with huge diet changes, and now it seems that my left eye is magically growing blood vessels in itself because of my diabetes and I have to have some laser treatments done to burn them out before I go completely blind. Actually, doc says its not that bad yet, but not shutting that shit down now will mean blindness later because its getting worse.

I can't wait to see what other parts of me my body decides it doesn't want anymore. v_v Just watch... the only thing more prevalent in my family than diabetes is cancer. *sigh* sayonara, boobs. :(

(no subject)
tiana frustrated
bellehiver
More evidence that 2012 is the suck? I end up having a fucking heart attack. Although I will say, as an experience, it wasn't that terrible. It wasn't really scary, I never panicked or felt like I was going to die or anything... I did get extremely anxious while in the ER about five people just rushed in and started stripping my pants off and explaining what an angiogram is and why it would stop me from dying, but other than that? Meh. I guess no one likes to talk about it, but when women have heart attacks it isn't anything like how they've warned us on TV and in health class. In fact, a lot of women have said that it just felt like bad flu symptoms. For me, all I had was chest pressure that came and went, some crazy heart racing, and muscle fatigue in my shoulders and the back of my neck. I mean, who the fuck would feel that and immediately think "oh, hey, my heart is trying to stop beating OBVIOUSLY"? especially when the symptoms last for over 2 days. I've always thought of heart attacks as something that came on suddenly and gave you a very limited window to react accordingly, hence all the OMGWARNINGSIGNS they pump into our brains from a young age.

But I guess my heart did this magic trick where, as soon as my artery became blocked, it pushed the blockage out of the dangerous spot and moved it down the artery a bit until it wasn't life threatening. Otherwise you would have heard about how I died while shopping in Winco last Tuesday. I guess its better than dying in a Mcdonald's or something, but no thank you.

Of course, as a result of being in the hospital I now have to take a cocktail of meds to maintain the stent in my artery and my cholesterol and diabetes and everything that is ever wrong with fat people. v_v ugh. So much for 29 being my crazy year of awesome reckless behavior. In the end I was taken down by one too many cheeseburgers. Not cool, body. Not cool.

On the bright side, I suppose, I'm bound to drop a ton of weight from actually eating the way I'm supposed to. And now I have a real reason to not go on rollercoasters! :P though fuck you if you try to keep me off the Indiana Jones ride in Disneyland. I will stab you with a jagged spork, I swear to god.

(no subject)
raj non pathetic people
bellehiver
I need an escape from reality. I'm sick of home life. I'm sick of working. I'm sick of seeing no one and watching so much TV that I have to actively find new shows and episodes I had missed just to fill in empty hours. I'm sick of burning out at work to the point where I'm exhausted every night, even on my days off.

I'm sick of being me. It is not the fun times it used to be. I feel like crap, physically, and it is a struggle to find myself attractive most days, which is something I'm not used to. The stupid part about that is I think I've actually lost some weight, so it has nothing to do with my actual appearance, and that pisses me off.

I hate being stuck in depression. The last three nights, I ate nothing but chips and dip for dinner. I had real food for breakfast and lunch, but still.

The worst part of it, is that Katy is doing a ton of stuff with her life right now. By herself. She tells me all about the stuff going on at work, and she booked her trip to New York for her highschool friend's graduation from college, and is invited to a coworker's wedding, and yay! My plans for this month? Work. Chores. Work. Chores. Oh, and facebook. Watch TV to avoid doing chores and forget about work. I feel like dying. She tried to counter me with "But you get to take Sally to Disneyland next month!" which is laughable. I don't GET to take her, I HAVE to take her. I have to spend every ounce of mental strength I have talking her into and convincing her to do everything from the moment she wakes up to the moment she falls asleep. This includes: showering, getting dressed, stepping up onto curbs/steps/stairs, drinking anything that isn't in a specific type of glass, leaving restaurants, sitting in certain seats, and a million things in between. And now that her dementia is worse than last year, God KNOWS what that now includes. This is not a vacation, is a 3 day long torture tour that I had to spend time and energy planning for myself in advance. Katy even tried the "I wish I could come with you" thing and I told her that we would both hate that and to not be stupid, because more than half the things that she and I want to do, Sally does not, and while Sally is paying for me - her staff - to take her to Disneyland, she is the boss and gets what she wants, not what I want. Katy and I would end up fighting constantly or I would force Katy to go off on her own and enjoy the park while I was with Sally and being twice as miserable because I would want to be with her and not working. So no, that is not ever happening, for both our sanity. She thinks its sad that I'm not happy about going to Disneyland, but fuck. Its not vacation if you have to actually work. I have a hard time enjoying myself when every other sentence out of my mouth is "Come on, Sally, you can do it, you'll like it, I promise, come on, one more step!" with so much false enthusiasm that you'd swear I actually worked in the park as a character.

Next year, if I still work at Bethesda, I'm making someone else take her.

I can at least look forward to Pride next month, I know that. Seth was able to afford to fly out, so I'll get to see him again. I think Kuhlman is driving out. Maybe? I don't know. Part of me wants to get a hotel in downtown Portland for us all instead of driving to and from the city every day. :/ There's not really enough room at my house for two visitors anyway. But I don't know if I'll have the cash for that by the time it rolls around. I mean. Maybe. I get three paychecks that month, but still. We'll see, I guess. Maybe Katy could help me pay for it. I dunno.

(no subject)
elliot frick
bellehiver
These last two weeks have not been the greatest for me, but I think I crawled out finally. I don't have the mental energy to go through every little thing about what happened and how it made me feel and blah blah blah, but it sucked, let me tell you.

Work was awful, my boss was treating me like absolute shit because she was frustrated with her own job, Katy was gone for a house-sitting job all week, my dad had let me know that they were probably going to lose the house but wouldn't tell me specifics cause Mom kept walking nearby to hopefully overhear him, my friends were all dealing with horrible things that made me feel bad for them and even worse that I couldn't help, and just for funsies my period started near the end which meant I was dealing with all the crap while PMSing unknowingly. YAY LIFE SUCKS. Oh, and also in the middle I almost got rear-ended again while waiting for traffic to pass so I could pull into my driveway. That was an awesome way to end a 10 hour graveyard shift. weeeee.

the worst, though, was the soul consuming depression. Not gonna lie, for a few days somewhere in the middle of it I was in a really dark, really self-destructive place. I can't bring myself to tell anyone the exact thoughts that went through my head but they were not cool. Katy kept asking me what had been wrong and why I was so upset and depressed but I can't talk about it. I'd rather just ignore that it happened and move on, because besides needing a different job and a new boss, this shit is not important and I won't remember it long enough to let it affect my general Mel-ness, so whatever.

But seriously. I need a new job. Fuck this bitch.

(no subject)
rainbow heels
bellehiver
Things have been good for awhile. Its nice. I've been getting my shit done at home and at work, things are looking prettiful, I feel super cute almost all the time and I'm not drowning from having negative monies. Its a feeling I wish I had all the time. I think that even Katy has come out of her depression, at least mostly, which does a lot to make me a happy happy Melface.

I can't sleep tonight and I'm not sure what that's about, but it probably has something to do with accidentally falling asleep before 10pm. Possibly. Maybe.

Katy and I went shopping for the VERY LAST TIME before con. Seriously you guys. No, seriously. We got the white button up blouse shirts for our poodle skirt princess get ups, masquerade mask supplies for the masked ball, new shoes for our regular princess costumes (omfg I found perfect Belle slippers with built in comfort soles~ ilu feet don't get hurty this year okay?), and then we went to Hot Topic. lol Katy INSISTED that I buy a tank top that has a picture of a kitten wearing a tiara. I could not say no to her. :P I also bought a Nyan Cat bumper sticker because Stitch does not have any pride on him yet, and I felt like this was pride for 3 things at once: being gay, being dorky/geeky and KITTY. Plus I love lol_comics like crazy. Wish he updated more often.

So whilst in Hot Topic, I was talking with Katy about possible future cosplays, and I had one idea she fell omginlovewith. Rainicorn. YOU HEARD ME. I explained it as a one person costume: the unicorn hat that Hot Topic used to sell and a rainbow shirt and pants. Pretty simple but super awesome. Katy took it a step further and insisted it be a 2-person costume like most traditional horse costumes with one person as the head and front feet and another person as the body and hind legs. I LOVE HER FOREVER, DID I MENTION THAT? We maybe possibly might try to do this for Halloween. You KNOW that I could easily get my siblings on board with this. It would only be the most perfect cast ever. Brittany can be Marceline, Nicole as PB, Josh as Finn and Ethan as Jake. YES? YES. fjreajfioa XDDDDDDDDD Need to poke at Brittany and infect her brain with this idea before its too late. It could be that we don't even care about this show by October, but even so it'd be fun to talk about in the now :D

I also want to do a Futurama cosplay with Katy. She needs to dress up as Leela and be the hottest thing ever omgnow. I'd like to dress as Amy but I'm not confident about pulling it off. I could crossplay as Fry, I spose? Its hard for me to crossplay, what with these big ol bewbies of mine. :/ not that they've stopped me before lol butyeah. Someone (Paige?) suggested I do young Amy, when she was fat. That's also a possibility. But how uncomfortable would it be to go bare midriff in public? FJREWOIFJEIWOJFOPEWJFOIEWJOIFJWEIOJFOIEW I'm getting flustered just thinking about it. I'd have to get half-drunk just to try. x_x; I'll just go as one of the Amazonia women. lol problem solved!

Sooo last week's Big Bang Theory? AMAZING. Dear people writing this show: GIVE IT UP AND LET RAJ BE GAY. C'MON. AND LET HIM FAKE MARRY THE SUPER SUPER OMG CUTE INDIAN LESBIAN WHOSE NAME I DON'T REMEMBER. Okay that's just for my selfish ass because I want to see way more of her and watch her kiss other girls. BUT STILL. They write every single character as believing that Raj is gay EXCEPT Raj, and the only evidence they give him to make him believe he likes girls was one intense crush on Bernadette. But come on, I dare someone to not want to jump her. I know, logically, that the only reason he isn't gay is because its a comedy show and its much funnier if he acts gay without being gay but you're killing me dead here. DEADSIES.

Even Disney lets its "supposedly" gay characters get a little somethin somethin. I finally bought Lion King 1 1/2 because I am in love with its camp, and made Katy sit down with me and watch it. I completely FORGOT that Timon and Pumbaa have an "accidental" kiss, Lady and the Tramp style. Later I'm going to screencap it cause HI I LOVE YOU DISNEY. Anyway, Katy told agreed with me that its an awesome movie full of the gay and cute funny lines, even if the music was sequel quality. :P It gives me happy fuzzies when she likes something that I already have big love for. :3 Someday I'm going to find the gay marriage episode of Lilo and Stitch: the series (also known as the Kids in the Hall reunion episode XDDD) and show it to her. JUMBA IN A WEDDING GOWN. THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT. No wait, also: Scott Thompson! <3 <3 <3

sigh. need to try and turn off my brain or I'ma be fucked up tomorrow and the next day. At least I don't have to be in to work tomorrow. Small victories of life.

(no subject)
kurt smile
bellehiver
I stayed up, and was out in the world doing things past midnight again. My whole body sings whenever I do that now, because it is so special and rare and makes me feel irresponsible and carefree. :3 happysigh~

I was asked last night if I was "one of those vampire people". Well, it was asked to both Katy and myself. I told him that it depends. It has to be bloody and not romantic, like True Blood. :P and then we watched Underworld 3. XP I actually liked it a lot more than I thought I would. I just can't hate a creeped out little girl turned monster who doesn't act all retarded and traumatized by herself. Its AWESOME. Plus lots of gorey bits and the 3D was actually pretty good. I've been getting ho-hummy about 3D lately because I haven't been wow'ed by a movie turned 3D since How to Train Your Dragon. Even Beauty and the Beast in 3D wasn't great. I still enjoyed it, but yeah, not blown away and changed forever, etc etc.

This week has been pretty good, despite work trying to kill me again. in the space of 48 hours, 3 out of the 5 people we support had to be rushed to urgent care or the ER or both. I wanted to stab someone, for serious. The persons I wanted to stab are my coworkers and a stupid stupid doctor who has ordered that one person go to the ER TWICE this month over nothing. STABBY TIMES YYYY?

But despite all that, its been good because Katy took most of the week off for her birthday, and she's been at the house when I get home and we've been eating dinner together, cuddling and doing stuff together. Its been great. :D I'm going to miss it SO MUCH when we go back to our normal routines, but I'm trying to enjoy it in the now.

I also took Katy out for dinner at Ruby Tuesday, since we were out in the area and had nothin to do for awhile. I had the chicken parm, and it was probably mediocre compared to some restaurants, but I've decided that I'm going to try and make my own parmesan sauce and put it on EVERYTHING. Because holy fuck, that shit is delicious. Also, I need to buy a box of biscut mix and make garlic butter drop biscuts in place of french bread whenever I make pasta dishes. This is just what needs to happen from now on.

I've been awake too long now and can't go back to bed, so I better eat something I guess. Boo.

(no subject)
my vagina&#39;s depressed
bellehiver
I've been doing the whole "feeling too many things at once" thing today pretty much since the moment I was able to be alone.

I feel like I'm wasting my life, making every possible wrong decision, useless, disgusting, good at literally nothing that is worth doing, boring, and just generally terrible.

I cannot wait to start bleeding. Fuck. I seriously cannot handle this intense depression right now.

I spent a pretty good chunk of time with Brent today, and I went out for japanese as my late birthday lunch with the boss and coworkers that I actually like, and I got to hang out with Nicole and get quality babytimes in, and saw Brittany for awhile for some good laughs. I should not be feeling like complete crap that does not deserve life, but that's the exact emotion that rushes into me whenever I have ten minutes to myself.

Fucking hormones. Why can't I have my ovaries ripped out? I'm not using them, I swear to christ. Give them to some poor woman who wants to be a babyfactory but can't for some medical reason or another.

I was thinking earlier that it is incredibly likely that Ethan will be the only child in my family's next generation unless things change in the future. Its also possible that Nicole will have another one, but its honestly just as likely that she sticks with just the one. I can plausibly see both realities. That is a fuckton load of pressure for one kid to bear, at least in my family. But maybe not. I don't know. A lot can happen in a decade.

I hope that a lot DOES happen in the next decade.

(no subject)
kelly squee
bellehiver
I spent way too much money last night having an awesome time. It was wonderful to not care about grown up shit for a few hours. I laughed until it hurt, I drank, I talked with strangers, I wore my cute white raincoat and makeup, I came home late... Good times, man. Good times.

Favorite parts of the show: Becca having the 'Pregnant Women Are Smug' song dedicated to her! And Rikki telling Kate "I'm a delicate flower, and you're more like an unhusked ear of corn," in reference to their vaginal sensitivity, which made Kate step away and laugh/gawk at her for a full 2 or 3 minutes. XDDDD SO FUNNY.

I bought their CD, because I wanted to listen to them on the way home and the only song of theirs I have on a CD is 'Present Face' on my christmas mix, so yeah. Plus it was autographed :D Got my picture taken with them, and I felt just as awkward as I could ever feel ever doing so, but meh. I always feel awkward getting my picture taken by someone else. I have no idea what to do with my body or what expression is on my face or anything.

I came home wanting sex, but my body totally cockblocked me by being sore and achey and then falling asleep as soon as I treated it. Fuckin aye. And actually, my back is still killing me. I wish I knew why x_x

(no subject)
beast getting laid
bellehiver
to follow up from my previous entry, I think I made some headway. :3 We spent pretty much the entire weekend just touching and canoodling without actually having sex, and it was niiiiice. And then... we slept. At least for awhile. I was apparently very horned up from the 48 hours of touching and making out that I started masturbating in my sleep, which is something I've been known to do. I was maybe conscious of what my hands were doing for a whole minute or so before Katy slid down the bed, threw my legs open and just threw herself at my crotch.

Daaaammmmn.

She told me the next day that she had woken up to my sleep-jerking and watched me for about 5 minutes before she decided to take matters into her own mouth. XD So. Goddamn. Sexy. nnnnnnnnhf. I love that woman.

(no subject)
my vagina&#39;s depressed
bellehiver
So I'm laying in bed last night, waiting for the cold meds to kick in so that I can fall asleep, and thinking about random shit. It occurred to me, as it sometimes does, that my sex life is not the greatest ever and that sucks. This time, though, I did a little digging into my brain as to why that might be. I've thought about my previous sexual experiences, and my current sexual experiences, and realized one big gaping difference.

Foreplay. There is NO foreplay when Katy and I have sex. There used to be, when we first hooked up and had some exploring to do and were just crazy in heat for each other, sure, but it died kinda quickly when reality ran into us. Stress and the amount of time we had together getting shorter and shorter, work making us tired before we even had a chance to see each other and of course, the ever looming depression that both of us suffer under. It sucked the life out of pretty much all our sex.

I'd been feeling really guilty about our sex life for months now, but I honestly don't know if I even should now that I've come to this realization. It makes a lot of sense. I don't think Katy's even HAD a sexual partner that bothered with foreplay, so of course she wouldn't think to bother with it now. She's only just come out of the teenage hormone rampaging years, where foreplay is pretty much unnecessary, and all her other partners have been other post-teen horny sufferers or men that didn't care about her. I've got to step up and have a little naked teaching session on how to make with the seducing, I think. Because it isn't that her methods of initiating sex aren't mostly fruitful, but she goes about it like a teenage boy. In fact, most of the time she just reaches for my crotch and says "Vagina!" which, because I am weird, I find incredibly cute and endearing. But cute and endearing is not sexy all the time and dammit, it doesn't make me WANT her. And God knows I've tried to use foreplay on her, but she tells me to stop almost every time because it tickles, even when I'm just kissing her neck. Last night, even, she told me "Why can't you just stop and be nice to me?" x___x I'm chalking all that nonsense up to the depression, but seriously, how's a girl supposed to get her fuck on when faced with that kinda stuff?

It might be the headcold I'm currently experiencing, but something about having to approach this topic is giving me a headache.

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